So Now What?

I have had a hundred blogs in my head but as you might have noticed not much is surfacing lately. This is a difficult time, I will say that, and difficult times are always hard to write about. 

I finished the study and I looked so good on paper but really I am not better and things are just all topsy-turvy right now. About half way through the study I felt as if I was moving in slow motion and yet nothing seemed to be wrong. I was tired, worn out. I had to sit and rest a lot. On my next visit to the oncologist my markers shot up again, way up. So now was the time to decide on a next step. So I am trying Xeloda. Supposedly this is a very easy oral chemo but no, not for me. The recommended dose was highly toxic for me so took a break and tried a lower dose, still toxic, terrible. So here I am on another drug break but still I am in slow motion. I have bone pain so I have to take pain meds and well, they cause all sorts of other problems. Anyway, I will not go into all that because it is just a bad story right now. Somewhere, somehow, there is an answer and with all my highly qualified doctors, they cannot find it easily. We are all in the dark. They know I am sensitive and that is hard for them.

I work fewer hours now because I am tired. I do find comfort in reading now and then but seem to fall asleep easily. Which reminds me, I have a wonderful "anti-gravity" chair now. I can adjust it just right so I have no bone pain and sometimes I even sleep in it. It is sort of a recliner but it looks smaller. It has electronic adjustment and an attached desk for a computer  that swings around. It really is magic and everyday I look forward to coming home and sitting in it.

I remain hopeful that I will find balance. I know it is there, somewhere.